Neglected

I never had it before you came along. And now I don't know. Should I revel in this emotion that captured my attention...my soul.....and still won't let go? Or do i loathe this sensation and you for leaving me with it. Though you won't stimulate it anymore. It's like a garden you've neglected. But the weeds continue to grow around me. You haven't watered me....fed me in months. But my roots are still embedded in this dirt. I'm not dead, just neglected. I can't forget anything. I don't know that I want to. But I know I hate my details and my mind slowly stealing my sanity twisting this thing around a million times a day. Inside my head trying to figure out what I could've done to have made this end differently. Still no answers. I have a love that won't die. One that I'm not used to. So I'm trapped. But you were more fortunate. You found your escape. And now I'm in this prison all alone. How I wish you would come back and cut this plant from the ground. Finish me please. I won't make a sound. I don't even now while I lay still awake on the floor. With memories like indignant warriors battling for space. Flashing before my eyes like home movies. And I'm thinking I'm so naive. And I shouldn't have gotten so close. And I should've taken just a few steps back. That way when the inevitable came to it's peak. I wouldn't have ended up bawled into a corner needing new body parts. The explosion powerful. In the way that it wasn't anything. Just a silent night. Which spawned silent days and empty air. Without words, voices, texts, letters, without you. Not explosive at all with you just fading away. And now you're gone. And the garden still grows.

Swag Born?

So why did Christina call me the other day and tell me I was born with too much swag? She said that she thinks two girls at our job have a crush on me. And it's because of the way I carry myself but also because I'm to friendly with everyone and too easy to get along with. I told her there was nothing I could do about that. That's just my personality. I have always been easy to get along with since the beginning of time. And I know that I have a magnetic personality that attracts folks like flies especially girls. I have always been like that too. Ok so I admitt I can be a flirt. That's just me. But I never lead people on. I let you know if I'm seriously interested. I flirt with everyone. Girls and guys alike. And she said some shit that hurt me about how she wouldn't trust me if I was her girl. And that's why I have problems in the serious relationship department. Because girls see the way I act the mistake me for a "player", or the kinda dog that doesn't know how to stay in the yard and that shit ain't true. I don't cheat. I'm fiercely loyal. Though I do have difficulty sharing my feelings and thoughts at times. I'm always true and faithful to the one I'm with. But I am a people person. But maybe Christina is right. Maybe I'm fucking myself up in relationships. I've never once thought of myself as too flirtatous, overly confident and full of swag. To be hoonest once I find out a girl is interested I become intensely shy. I'm just like everyone else trying to make sure I say the right thing, dress the right way, come off the best. But then I think about Exes that complained that "too many girls were after me" etc. Maybe I should've taken heed, instead of chalking it up to their insecurity..............::wonders::

Omg! Affinion is sucking out my life force. I can feel it. It's very sick and sad to say. But I can feel myself being dehumanized a little more with every call I take. And averaging somewhere between 90- 130 calls a day. The soul absorption process is nearly complete. Not to mention a certain number of those calls never fails me to be a cuss out. And I apparently applaud and relish in being cussed out for things that are absolutely not my fault. I hate that job. It's killing me literally.

In other news there's a family reunion which is coming up in September. Happy times. I love smirnoff......that's nothing new sorry. I gotta find some pictures so i can make a few collages for my manager regarding our team's name.....:Missy's Magnificent Marvels.....any ideas? Yeah I didn't think so. Anyways now for the view into the soul.







Pale skin. A pale reflection. And a view that's not so pleasing to the eyes. But this is damaged. Nevermind the raw flesh. Because I do love the cautery. Love the rhythm of the wailing artery. The universe must see this very form. So it has become a transparent film. With the slides rolling along this sentimental reel. And I don't care if with scabs forever. Don't care if it never heals. Because what use is it to only hurt on the inside. And how useful is it to me without you to see. The scars better damn well show. And better damn well let everyone know. That I am your pincushion now. And that I still love you somehow. Look easy and don't hurt yourself. You'll see right through this heart that beats for you. My mirrors sits covered in the corner unused. The magnifying glass is broken. And my memories are made of your tokens.

Rain like desolate free falling petals. From a dark faceless sky. Without remorse. Without reason. To this drowning death. This suffocated way of living. And my lungs torn and crushed. The phone is a phony script. No tools of contrite. The window tells lies of freedom. And the air outside is toxic. I've seen into the soul. And the blossom of new life. And I've seen into your eyes and green trails to your spirit. But I've also seen hesitation bawling up in your fists. I've also seen your gravitation. To a feeling you couldn't dismiss. But now it lingers and fades away. And now I linger on it. You cut it out from your veins ignoring it's effect. I'm infected by it. And desperate for the antedote. But still desperate for you.

Going to go in and get some extra hours today. We're supposed to be having a family reuninon in September down in Titusville. Got an invitation for that today. Need more liquor to drown the nights. Hung out with Christina a few times. She's absolutely crazy and it freaks me out that all the craszies gravitate towards me. But I feel for her and everyone needs a friend, who is just a regular person they can talk to without that person trying to get something for it. And I'm the one. Nice regular no conditions friendship. I got that to give away like skin cells. Supposed to hang out with a new girl. She seems really cool. We'll see. Still miss the frosting to my cupcake like mad. Love of my life. Center of my dreams. Wonder how she's doing. Wish she'd call me and tell me she was doing great. And that everything is going well. And that she's come to terms with our fate. Or that she missed me like mad too and she's empty without me. Wanting me everyday and wishes things were different. Either would do. Anything is better than not knowing. Anything is better than silence. I wonder how Destiny's birthday party went. Anyways time for me to get my life and shit together......::nods:: more on that later.

Your Name

My heart which murmurs of profound grief. And bends over backwards to conform to this new position. Everyone tells me I'm better than this. Too good. Too kind. To warm and unique. And why can I still smile and help the next person. And I always give love willingly and mercy when it's undeserved. They tell us we don't know what we want. The things we want we'll never be able to obtain and the things we finally get we'll no longer want. Is that you? Thing that I wanted so much you claimed my dreams. Thing so wanted you became unobtainable? Thing that I may have discarded carelessly had I ever had a chance to own you? No.....couldn't possibly be. I needed you right here. Right in this very spot. Now the spot is a gaping hole, there it sucks in my vision and bleeds and breathes your name.
My heart which whispers of total decomposure. And was ripe for picking, now raw from misuse. Everyone says it's not my fault. Says I do have something to offer. I'm intelligent. Beautiful inside and out. Tenacious. And always willing to put forth the most effort. They tell us love hurts. It's inevitable as the rising sun. They tell us protect yourself and don't fall into the snare unless your completely ready....resilient. But they didn't tell me it would be so easy. They didn't tell me your smile and kiss would make me melt. They didn't tell me the love was blind and I would always be able to see around every obstacle to you. And they wouldn't tell me it'd rips out my soul when your face disappeared. I loved you til it ached and now there is a permanent wound left open by your abandonment. With live nerves bleating your name.
My heart which surrenders to it's gradual disintergration. Can be found accepting it's fate. Can be found zombie-fied performing a blank daily routine. And everyone says that you're miserable too. Says if you're not made of pride and cowardice one day you'll come back. To tie up these loose ends. And that I will have moved to a new plain of existence. And will look down on your shadow in disgust. They say you wanted it just as much as me. But weren't willing to press forward like I was......Are too afraid. Too unsure. And I saw that in your eyes and in the things you wouldn't say. But I don't understand the words you wrote, when you said you wanted to stay. And I'm baffled by the things you gave me. That are lingering where your body is gone. And the words of reassurance that I still have like connected tattoos marking my every inch. They have grown into scabs creating unforgettable marks I can't ignore. With the vibrant colors screaming your name.

Wearin Thin

This is the last time I'll try to reach you and my guess is, you'll just ignore me.
Without a passing glance, without the slightest sigh, without moving your hands
Without the softest cry. If I'd say go your own way, I'll be with you.
Make mistakes and I'll forgive you. Home is waiting here for you when you return.
Rain reveals *your* foundation and this one's wearing thin, and shifting in the sand.
And the water does its damage-with its endless beating pulse, heralding the end.
Without a passing glance, without the slightest sigh, without moving your hands
Without the softest cry. If I'd say go your own way, I'll be with you.
Make mistakes and I'll forgive you. Home is waiting here for you when you return.
This is the last time I will try to reach you and my guess is that you'll just ignore it.
Just ignore me.Go your own way, I'll be with you. make mistakes and I'll forgive you. Home is waiting here for you when you return

long day at work cuz i went in earlier to claim some of this 12 hour overtime they got laying around. another day full of rampant thoughts and wayward daydreams. long bus rides where i consume myself with my thoughts of tina and find it hard to think of anything but her. wondering is she thinking about me too. what's she doing. how she's doing.............i'm hungry tnight but not the least bit sleepy. i'm lonely tonight but not in anyway by myself.......ramen noodles for dinner. hulu for entertainment. brandy for comfort......g'night

so..............

i'm back. i went to myspace and it didn't work out so now i'm back. things have happened. i definitely see the world in a different light. but i don't quite know whether or not i'm a better person for what i've experienced...........don't know if i'm stronger.....wiser....more resilient. but i'm different. more on that later

Still Charmed and Kicking (season 8)

You have to start them small and slow. Build up your momentum then let them go. Awry. This way and that. Reeling you out of your fantasy and dreamlike trance. Back onto the dirty carpet, with it rubbing the palms of your hands. Begging you not to think this time. Down on your knees trapped in sublime. Til you're gasping for air. And flopping around on the floor. You have to start them determined and quiet. Concentrated and then you release. Watching as the patterns intersect like a sick kaleidoscope of indignity. That fracture your eyelids, while prying them open. Poisoning them then laying them out to dry. And then you're back to the floor and the humiliation there. And your clothes are torn from the misguided wear. But your nerves kick into high gear. And you read it upside down and inside out. Trying to make sense of all this doubt. But laying lifeless on the floor is so much easier. Wet hands and a straw are a mouths best friends. The cool night air seems much simplier. So the window is open but not your heart. You have to start these cold and weightless. Like the flutters of maybe thoughts. And when they emerge you see them as far as they can be taken. And when they're gone you lay there shaking. Shredding the pillows and burning the sheets. Because the floor is for them-not for your sleep. They'll tear out your tongue if you're trying to eat. I couldn't run so no use for feet. You have to start these on a breath. Because when you exhale maddening is left. Turns down the corners of your lips. You're afraid you're too close to it. You back up and you're wilting. A fine line divides your sanity. A fine crime against humanity.

Desperate Housewitches (season 8)

You're like this craving I can't seem to satisfy. I never taste enough of you on my tongue to pacify...............Once I was a slave to my desperation. My yearning. My human nature. The primal urge to obtain something that to this day still seems so far away. Unable to catch this thing that is all of you. The heart I've tried to carry is breaking my back. And with every single step the spirit is ghostly and uncertain. I've been reaching only for it to disappear. Pulling back my hands then once again it's near. I've before touched this illusion of you. Never have my fingertips felt so alive. Sparking with the energy of emotion that was foreign before. And never have I wanted so to grasp something that wasn't there. But maybe seeing wasn't believing. Because I could feel it. And what i felt was too powerful not to believe. Even as that thing I longed to grab loomed in and out of reach. The mind was mabye too censored. Too closed I couldn't share. There were so many revelations baying at the dam. Yours weren't like mines tragically parted with nothing coming out. Partially open with teeth for locks. Can't get in. But somehow already there and trapped. My dreams are the only perfect places left, because they're full of you. Your words strewn in the seams of my brain. Can't make sense of the thoughts but daring to know more. Like a battered little sailboat and determined to push from shore. But still too far from the other end of the ocean. Still too far from all of you. You're the stars in my sky, but my days are unbearable. The sunlight scorches me. Reality severes my soul. Creating a terrible hunger and I starve for you. And these pieces of the puzzle epitomize endless treasure, but still wouldn't do. I would need everything that you can't give. I'd have to have the entire puzzle to live. Every breath, every smile, every touch. I've needed it all and I've needed too much. Your image is elusive your effects are apparent. I can't recognize myself anymore. I can only see what you've done to me.

The Lost Picture Show (season 8)

Just don't know me anymore. Just go back in time. No need to apologize for these realizations. Just know the fault was all mine. I'm terrified of the snow and smoking. Traumatized by these games you left. And fuck these stars that are mocking me. And fuck my timeless naivete. Just don't know I'm barely breathing. Just don't know I'm laying here. Openly bleeding and gutted for show. Monument to tears. You don't need to know. Just don't see me bruised and damaged and lascerated. I don't hurt too bad. Don't have the thoughts like me burrowing in deep, with the nerves they drag. Just don't know the seconds or minutes you gave. Don't see your wasted time. Because I'll have an eternity to replay them like a skipping filmstrip in my mind. Please make it worthwhile. Please make it quick. Starts in my head with a sharpening prick. Please tear it loose. Please leave it alone. Please ring it out. Please take it home. Just don't forget I don't need it. Just don't forget to throw it away. Don't watch it shrivel up and die. Just don't want it, just don't ask why. And I'm fake and hollow. I'm put away. I'm back in the garden there's nothing to say. And no way to speak. Not that speaking makes a change. Just make sure I'm out of your sight. Just don't think this is strange. Just don't see me here. Just don't know that I'm waiting. Or the wallpaper peeling back and rumpled at the floor. The paint chipping and the walls caving. I'll be buried in this stupor. Just don't see me dying in this position. I'll be suffocated by dawn. Just don't know I'm in this condition. I inhaled you in the morning. I've slept on you at night. And now I'm on the rim on the trash can wondering whether or not you want another bite. Just don't see my insides carved out for you. Just don't see unrelenting pain. Forgetting my eerie and mushy words should be just as easy as my name. Just don't see my tired fingers at the ends of these staggering hands. Desperate for your touch, desperate to touch you. Like a desert full of sand. Better back up some and take a good hard look at this. Before you make a crazy decision-this one isn't hit or miss. Too mnay different outcomes swirling around in your head. Too many possibilities weighing you down like lead. Couldn't say the right thing that would quell your fear. So now I'm under this reading lamp....now I'm sitting here. Just don't see my head bowed to the concrete. Don't see the salt water underneath. And don't see these things streaking my face, just turn over a new leaf. Cause I'm wondering is this real. And don't see me bawled up under the covers with your shirt. Don't remember looking in my eyes. Then you won't know that it hurt. I have memories engrained in my skin. Wishing for yours to make it complete again.