Neglected

I never had it before you came along. And now I don't know. Should I revel in this emotion that captured my attention...my soul.....and still won't let go? Or do i loathe this sensation and you for leaving me with it. Though you won't stimulate it anymore. It's like a garden you've neglected. But the weeds continue to grow around me. You haven't watered me....fed me in months. But my roots are still embedded in this dirt. I'm not dead, just neglected. I can't forget anything. I don't know that I want to. But I know I hate my details and my mind slowly stealing my sanity twisting this thing around a million times a day. Inside my head trying to figure out what I could've done to have made this end differently. Still no answers. I have a love that won't die. One that I'm not used to. So I'm trapped. But you were more fortunate. You found your escape. And now I'm in this prison all alone. How I wish you would come back and cut this plant from the ground. Finish me please. I won't make a sound. I don't even now while I lay still awake on the floor. With memories like indignant warriors battling for space. Flashing before my eyes like home movies. And I'm thinking I'm so naive. And I shouldn't have gotten so close. And I should've taken just a few steps back. That way when the inevitable came to it's peak. I wouldn't have ended up bawled into a corner needing new body parts. The explosion powerful. In the way that it wasn't anything. Just a silent night. Which spawned silent days and empty air. Without words, voices, texts, letters, without you. Not explosive at all with you just fading away. And now you're gone. And the garden still grows.

Swag Born?

So why did Christina call me the other day and tell me I was born with too much swag? She said that she thinks two girls at our job have a crush on me. And it's because of the way I carry myself but also because I'm to friendly with everyone and too easy to get along with. I told her there was nothing I could do about that. That's just my personality. I have always been easy to get along with since the beginning of time. And I know that I have a magnetic personality that attracts folks like flies especially girls. I have always been like that too. Ok so I admitt I can be a flirt. That's just me. But I never lead people on. I let you know if I'm seriously interested. I flirt with everyone. Girls and guys alike. And she said some shit that hurt me about how she wouldn't trust me if I was her girl. And that's why I have problems in the serious relationship department. Because girls see the way I act the mistake me for a "player", or the kinda dog that doesn't know how to stay in the yard and that shit ain't true. I don't cheat. I'm fiercely loyal. Though I do have difficulty sharing my feelings and thoughts at times. I'm always true and faithful to the one I'm with. But I am a people person. But maybe Christina is right. Maybe I'm fucking myself up in relationships. I've never once thought of myself as too flirtatous, overly confident and full of swag. To be hoonest once I find out a girl is interested I become intensely shy. I'm just like everyone else trying to make sure I say the right thing, dress the right way, come off the best. But then I think about Exes that complained that "too many girls were after me" etc. Maybe I should've taken heed, instead of chalking it up to their insecurity..............::wonders::