Omg! Affinion is sucking out my life force. I can feel it. It's very sick and sad to say. But I can feel myself being dehumanized a little more with every call I take. And averaging somewhere between 90- 130 calls a day. The soul absorption process is nearly complete. Not to mention a certain number of those calls never fails me to be a cuss out. And I apparently applaud and relish in being cussed out for things that are absolutely not my fault. I hate that job. It's killing me literally.

In other news there's a family reunion which is coming up in September. Happy times. I love smirnoff......that's nothing new sorry. I gotta find some pictures so i can make a few collages for my manager regarding our team's name.....:Missy's Magnificent Marvels.....any ideas? Yeah I didn't think so. Anyways now for the view into the soul.







Pale skin. A pale reflection. And a view that's not so pleasing to the eyes. But this is damaged. Nevermind the raw flesh. Because I do love the cautery. Love the rhythm of the wailing artery. The universe must see this very form. So it has become a transparent film. With the slides rolling along this sentimental reel. And I don't care if with scabs forever. Don't care if it never heals. Because what use is it to only hurt on the inside. And how useful is it to me without you to see. The scars better damn well show. And better damn well let everyone know. That I am your pincushion now. And that I still love you somehow. Look easy and don't hurt yourself. You'll see right through this heart that beats for you. My mirrors sits covered in the corner unused. The magnifying glass is broken. And my memories are made of your tokens.

Rain like desolate free falling petals. From a dark faceless sky. Without remorse. Without reason. To this drowning death. This suffocated way of living. And my lungs torn and crushed. The phone is a phony script. No tools of contrite. The window tells lies of freedom. And the air outside is toxic. I've seen into the soul. And the blossom of new life. And I've seen into your eyes and green trails to your spirit. But I've also seen hesitation bawling up in your fists. I've also seen your gravitation. To a feeling you couldn't dismiss. But now it lingers and fades away. And now I linger on it. You cut it out from your veins ignoring it's effect. I'm infected by it. And desperate for the antedote. But still desperate for you.

Going to go in and get some extra hours today. We're supposed to be having a family reuninon in September down in Titusville. Got an invitation for that today. Need more liquor to drown the nights. Hung out with Christina a few times. She's absolutely crazy and it freaks me out that all the craszies gravitate towards me. But I feel for her and everyone needs a friend, who is just a regular person they can talk to without that person trying to get something for it. And I'm the one. Nice regular no conditions friendship. I got that to give away like skin cells. Supposed to hang out with a new girl. She seems really cool. We'll see. Still miss the frosting to my cupcake like mad. Love of my life. Center of my dreams. Wonder how she's doing. Wish she'd call me and tell me she was doing great. And that everything is going well. And that she's come to terms with our fate. Or that she missed me like mad too and she's empty without me. Wanting me everyday and wishes things were different. Either would do. Anything is better than not knowing. Anything is better than silence. I wonder how Destiny's birthday party went. Anyways time for me to get my life and shit together......::nods:: more on that later.

Your Name

My heart which murmurs of profound grief. And bends over backwards to conform to this new position. Everyone tells me I'm better than this. Too good. Too kind. To warm and unique. And why can I still smile and help the next person. And I always give love willingly and mercy when it's undeserved. They tell us we don't know what we want. The things we want we'll never be able to obtain and the things we finally get we'll no longer want. Is that you? Thing that I wanted so much you claimed my dreams. Thing so wanted you became unobtainable? Thing that I may have discarded carelessly had I ever had a chance to own you? No.....couldn't possibly be. I needed you right here. Right in this very spot. Now the spot is a gaping hole, there it sucks in my vision and bleeds and breathes your name.
My heart which whispers of total decomposure. And was ripe for picking, now raw from misuse. Everyone says it's not my fault. Says I do have something to offer. I'm intelligent. Beautiful inside and out. Tenacious. And always willing to put forth the most effort. They tell us love hurts. It's inevitable as the rising sun. They tell us protect yourself and don't fall into the snare unless your completely ready....resilient. But they didn't tell me it would be so easy. They didn't tell me your smile and kiss would make me melt. They didn't tell me the love was blind and I would always be able to see around every obstacle to you. And they wouldn't tell me it'd rips out my soul when your face disappeared. I loved you til it ached and now there is a permanent wound left open by your abandonment. With live nerves bleating your name.
My heart which surrenders to it's gradual disintergration. Can be found accepting it's fate. Can be found zombie-fied performing a blank daily routine. And everyone says that you're miserable too. Says if you're not made of pride and cowardice one day you'll come back. To tie up these loose ends. And that I will have moved to a new plain of existence. And will look down on your shadow in disgust. They say you wanted it just as much as me. But weren't willing to press forward like I was......Are too afraid. Too unsure. And I saw that in your eyes and in the things you wouldn't say. But I don't understand the words you wrote, when you said you wanted to stay. And I'm baffled by the things you gave me. That are lingering where your body is gone. And the words of reassurance that I still have like connected tattoos marking my every inch. They have grown into scabs creating unforgettable marks I can't ignore. With the vibrant colors screaming your name.

Wearin Thin

This is the last time I'll try to reach you and my guess is, you'll just ignore me.
Without a passing glance, without the slightest sigh, without moving your hands
Without the softest cry. If I'd say go your own way, I'll be with you.
Make mistakes and I'll forgive you. Home is waiting here for you when you return.
Rain reveals *your* foundation and this one's wearing thin, and shifting in the sand.
And the water does its damage-with its endless beating pulse, heralding the end.
Without a passing glance, without the slightest sigh, without moving your hands
Without the softest cry. If I'd say go your own way, I'll be with you.
Make mistakes and I'll forgive you. Home is waiting here for you when you return.
This is the last time I will try to reach you and my guess is that you'll just ignore it.
Just ignore me.Go your own way, I'll be with you. make mistakes and I'll forgive you. Home is waiting here for you when you return