Feelings ade harc and have hardened me. I thought you could take it you're so much stronger. I thought you would make it. Now I worry about that hunger.

e crimes of my tongue. I am tortured but somehow I am the torturer.

ired of that part yet. That's the most beautiful part. The most painful part. The most desirable part. I am the slave to my free will. The punished to th

Am I like the worst person ever? I told her I always get what I deserve. And I do. I am. I will. But how harsh will it be? How much will I get? I'm not t

My Eye

Yes there's something wrong with my right eye. I'm slowing going blind in it. WTF? I don't want to be blind in one eye. I'll miss out on all the new 3D movies coming out. There are still too many books I haven't read. I haven't seen the wonders of the world. Please God have mercy

You

You're so stupid. Don't you get it. You're worthless to me. We both know that you'll need me before I need you. But I'll just be another person that you can cross off. Another poor oblivious soul, who thought you were worth the weight of your flesh. Another one you can cross off. Another pen line going through that paper which headlines: People Who Used to Give a Fuck About Me. People who now care as little as I do. And as I sit here and write this I realize that this is the last time I'll probably wonder if you're even alive. Because as it turns out, you can die tomorrow. That'd be fine with me. Just leave my money under your doormat. Cause I don't care if I never see your body again. No not your dumb face and crooked too close teeth. Freckles and pimples. Unnecessary wrinkles where it appears you're aging before your time. You're crazy unmanageable 80's hair, you pretend to be unable to straighten. Hope you know it makes you look like a child. smh. Long torso with short appendages and stubby digits. You're practically a freak. But I guess that's what happens when parents are kids and on drugs or alcohol....or whatever. Tried to get rid of you at birth huh? Even they realized your uselessness. Almost as if they could see into the future. Weren't entirely successful though were they? Still managed to somehow be sacked with ego manical, selfish, rude, ill tempered child. Who morphs into a (for lack of better term) sub-human being. Unable to think of anyone other than yourself. Not even the two children you managed to give birth to even though it's almost unbelievable that you're a woman beneath all that masculine exterior. Are you? Two children that I have yet to see you mother or nuture in the two years I've known you. I pity them. Because even though they're both very fucked up now and need meds for day to day living, it's not their fault. It's not their fault that you suck as a parent. It's not their fault that you failed to use birth control when you knew full well the effects of sex. I feel bad for them because instead of creating a home for them you're too busy creating excuses. I feel bad for them because they deserve more than what you have to give. And since you're not giving it who will? I feel bad for them cause they're old enough to realize that you suck as a parent and will soon grow to resent you. If you think they don't walk around everyday and see single parents raising 2+ kids everyday you're playing yourself. They do. And when they do, you know what they're probably thinking? "Gee why can't my mom do it?" And you don't really have an answer for that do you? Well I take that back there is an answer for that. You'd rather waste money at strip clubs, or give it to a girl miles away that you haven't even had the pleasure of giving a hug. What are you working towards in life? So far you have managed to play the role of a failure quite effectively. Your shitty attitude makes it nearly impossible for you to hold down a job. I have a secret to tell you. You will always have a boss! Take your head outta your ass and realize the obvious. You will always have someone to answer to. Even if you own you're own business you'll have customers to answer to. You need to ADJUST. That's the way the world works. You don't run, control, own, or dictate anything. You have a boss and you need to suck it up. And do whatever he/she tells you. Maybe then you wouldn't have to go to work every other day trying to figure out if this is the day when they're going to fire you. Oh and by the way that same shitty attitude is the reason why you have no friends and none of your family members gives a damn about you. They'd rather watch you struggle and don't wanna waste their time associating with you. Because you're just a hateful person and you're horrible demeanor is annoying and unnerving. I think it's kinda funny because I'm an awesome person and I have a lot going for me. You on the other hand you're not intelligent enough to learn anything but what you do now huh? You don't have much to look forward to in life unless you decided to stop being a slut and start being a hooker. Maybe you can get him to burn you again. And just for therecord no one goes back and sleeps with someone who's burned them only a month prior, dumb bitch. But I guess when all you give a fuck about is sex and don't understand the meaning of the word consequences who cares that you're getting burned. Also who needs to form meaningful relationships when you have no personality, and it only matters that someone will get sexual satisfaction. Then sits there with that stupid face trying to figure out why...why....am I lonely. Because some men are smart enough to realize that they don't need to buy the cow when they can get the milk for free. Also just for the record it's not that good anyway. Hers was much better, and I do mean by a long shot. You have to realize that men will fuck anything......even dead women in some cases. They are walking penises. If they're not ready to settle and throw some freebies yes they're gonna bite. So that's not really saying anything about you. And if I were you I wouldn't be bragging about your numbers. But you were correct when you made the statement that you'll grow up old and alone. That's totally true. Maybe you're psychic too. But yes you will. Once that pussy dries up and becomes useless you can start moving in the cats. If you even have a place to live. I'm partially vindicated in the way that in a couple of months I'll be doing so much better than you at life in general. Because I'm more ambitious, smart, considerate, kind hearted, popular, and I realize that there's more to life. My remaining vindication will come when you die and no one attends your funeral, even your kids.

Neglected

I never had it before you came along. And now I don't know. Should I revel in this emotion that captured my attention...my soul.....and still won't let go? Or do i loathe this sensation and you for leaving me with it. Though you won't stimulate it anymore. It's like a garden you've neglected. But the weeds continue to grow around me. You haven't watered me....fed me in months. But my roots are still embedded in this dirt. I'm not dead, just neglected. I can't forget anything. I don't know that I want to. But I know I hate my details and my mind slowly stealing my sanity twisting this thing around a million times a day. Inside my head trying to figure out what I could've done to have made this end differently. Still no answers. I have a love that won't die. One that I'm not used to. So I'm trapped. But you were more fortunate. You found your escape. And now I'm in this prison all alone. How I wish you would come back and cut this plant from the ground. Finish me please. I won't make a sound. I don't even now while I lay still awake on the floor. With memories like indignant warriors battling for space. Flashing before my eyes like home movies. And I'm thinking I'm so naive. And I shouldn't have gotten so close. And I should've taken just a few steps back. That way when the inevitable came to it's peak. I wouldn't have ended up bawled into a corner needing new body parts. The explosion powerful. In the way that it wasn't anything. Just a silent night. Which spawned silent days and empty air. Without words, voices, texts, letters, without you. Not explosive at all with you just fading away. And now you're gone. And the garden still grows.

Swag Born?

So why did Christina call me the other day and tell me I was born with too much swag? She said that she thinks two girls at our job have a crush on me. And it's because of the way I carry myself but also because I'm to friendly with everyone and too easy to get along with. I told her there was nothing I could do about that. That's just my personality. I have always been easy to get along with since the beginning of time. And I know that I have a magnetic personality that attracts folks like flies especially girls. I have always been like that too. Ok so I admitt I can be a flirt. That's just me. But I never lead people on. I let you know if I'm seriously interested. I flirt with everyone. Girls and guys alike. And she said some shit that hurt me about how she wouldn't trust me if I was her girl. And that's why I have problems in the serious relationship department. Because girls see the way I act the mistake me for a "player", or the kinda dog that doesn't know how to stay in the yard and that shit ain't true. I don't cheat. I'm fiercely loyal. Though I do have difficulty sharing my feelings and thoughts at times. I'm always true and faithful to the one I'm with. But I am a people person. But maybe Christina is right. Maybe I'm fucking myself up in relationships. I've never once thought of myself as too flirtatous, overly confident and full of swag. To be hoonest once I find out a girl is interested I become intensely shy. I'm just like everyone else trying to make sure I say the right thing, dress the right way, come off the best. But then I think about Exes that complained that "too many girls were after me" etc. Maybe I should've taken heed, instead of chalking it up to their insecurity..............::wonders::

Omg! Affinion is sucking out my life force. I can feel it. It's very sick and sad to say. But I can feel myself being dehumanized a little more with every call I take. And averaging somewhere between 90- 130 calls a day. The soul absorption process is nearly complete. Not to mention a certain number of those calls never fails me to be a cuss out. And I apparently applaud and relish in being cussed out for things that are absolutely not my fault. I hate that job. It's killing me literally.

In other news there's a family reunion which is coming up in September. Happy times. I love smirnoff......that's nothing new sorry. I gotta find some pictures so i can make a few collages for my manager regarding our team's name.....:Missy's Magnificent Marvels.....any ideas? Yeah I didn't think so. Anyways now for the view into the soul.







Pale skin. A pale reflection. And a view that's not so pleasing to the eyes. But this is damaged. Nevermind the raw flesh. Because I do love the cautery. Love the rhythm of the wailing artery. The universe must see this very form. So it has become a transparent film. With the slides rolling along this sentimental reel. And I don't care if with scabs forever. Don't care if it never heals. Because what use is it to only hurt on the inside. And how useful is it to me without you to see. The scars better damn well show. And better damn well let everyone know. That I am your pincushion now. And that I still love you somehow. Look easy and don't hurt yourself. You'll see right through this heart that beats for you. My mirrors sits covered in the corner unused. The magnifying glass is broken. And my memories are made of your tokens.

Rain like desolate free falling petals. From a dark faceless sky. Without remorse. Without reason. To this drowning death. This suffocated way of living. And my lungs torn and crushed. The phone is a phony script. No tools of contrite. The window tells lies of freedom. And the air outside is toxic. I've seen into the soul. And the blossom of new life. And I've seen into your eyes and green trails to your spirit. But I've also seen hesitation bawling up in your fists. I've also seen your gravitation. To a feeling you couldn't dismiss. But now it lingers and fades away. And now I linger on it. You cut it out from your veins ignoring it's effect. I'm infected by it. And desperate for the antedote. But still desperate for you.